Even after 5 years of him being married to another person, I sometimes still check his Facebook pictures. Comments like “aww such a beautiful family” makes for a strange feeling. It is not that we parted with any animosity between us – in fact, it was the most amicable separation ever and I am sure many will find it actually surprising. I wasn’t ready to get married and settle down then but he was. He had proposed to me but I was unsure and asked him for some more time. This limbo continued for close to a year. I guess after I moved to Hyderabad from Bangalore for work, he perhaps felt we were on different pages.
After our separation, it took him about 3 months or so to find Swati, his wife. He called to tell me about his decision – I was mature about it but was sad to realise that he will be with somebody else from now and my significance in his life will reduce to being mere memories. Not that I wanted to be back in his life. I wasn’t ready just yet to settle down. The choice before me wasn’t a simple one. I believe, sometimes, humans are incapable, to the point of ineptness, in knowing what’s right or wrong for them and being unable to decide they freeze. At which point life takes its own course completely disregarding what the alternative could have been. I was sad but not broken. He was sad too but happy that he found someone he liked. I presume equally good ☺ if not better than his ex ☺
I still had feelings for him but had made my decision and he his and we now had to live with this new reality. When he told me that they are getting hitched next month (imagine we dated for 2 years and didn’t marry and here he is marrying someone after only four months of courtship) I was not sure if I wanted to attend his wedding. I wished him good luck and told him that I will most likely not attend as I would feel quite odd. Not that I wanted anything from him anymore, it just would be too awkward and he was too important a person in my life to make his big day anything but memorable.
I think it was 2 weeks before his big day when I had to travel to Bangalore for work. He was busy with his marriage preparations when I called him. He suggested we catch up. I too was keen to see him, perhaps for the last time in my life. I guess some part of me was looking for some closure with him before he was officially not single anymore. We decided to catch up in the evening after work.
It didn’t seem right not to buy a present for someone I dearly loved not so long ago, and may be still do. Just because a relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean people can’t love each other anymore. We can be mature about it, right? I wrapped up work by 6 PM and hopped into a rickshaw to the closest mall, paying the usual Bangalore ‘extra 20 rupees’. I picked up a nice Harley-Davidson t-shirt for him, perhaps to remind him of all the fun bike trips we used to take when we were together. Subconsciously maybe I wanted to make a statement to his new partner as well. As for her gift, I wasn’t sure if I should buy something. I don’t know much about her apart from the fact that she has great hair, all from stalking her on Facebook.. hehe… Maybe some hair product? But then, I would just be making her great hair look even more pretty. She is not competition, but hey I am allowed to feel like this, right? Finally, I decided to buy a nice wall hanging as a safe compromise. It’s an old saying that women take eons to shop and by the time I was done it was already half past 8. He had already left office about an hour ago but the universe and the Bangalore traffic alike conspired to keep us apart; may be they knew what was about to happen ☺
In order to avoid spending the whole evening in traffic, we decided to meet midway – i.e., the hotel I was staying in. After another half an hour I reached my hotel and found him at the lobby. We hugged and went upstairs. Once inside the room we started looking at dining options as we were famished by then; we weren’t sure we wanted to go to a pub given I had an early morning flight back. After debating, like good old times, over options we finally settled down for dinner at the hotel itself. We ordered something and started chatting about stuff. I don’t remember much of what we spoke about as my mind was thinking of something else. All those months of not seeing him coupled with my repressed feelings was doing something to me. It didn’t help that he looked slimmer, perhaps to impress his new lady. I was not complaining at all. He looked HOT and the sexual tension we felt was so palpable!
One moment of weakness and we both started kissing each other. One thing led to another and we ended up making love, one last time. We were still wrapped in sheets and around each other when doorbell rang. Reality check.
This whole thing transported us back in time and we again felt like the lovelorn couple 2 years ago when there was not a care in the world and we had believed that we would be together forever. After we finished dinner, it was time to say goodbye. We hugged each other really tight, wished each other well for our futures and said our goodbyes. Before he left, I gave him his wedding present which he found a little amusing but was pleasantly surprised.
Five years have gone by to that evening, we have kept in touch on and off; actually more off than on. Sometimes I stalk him on Facebook and I am sure he does that too. I miss him a bit but I don’t regret my decision to not marry him. I am now happily married to an amazing man and we have a lovely kid and he too has a lovely family. Sometimes I wonder about that last evening we spent – whether what we did was right or wrong. Whatever it was, I signed up for that and knowing him he did too. Maybe that was the closure that both of us were looking for. Or was it?
PS: I recently noticed that he was wearing the T-shirt I gifted him, in some of his vacation pictures 🙂
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